Goodbyes & Fate
There is a certain finality in the word ‘bye’, we never actually understand what it is until it’s the last time you have to say it. The word has made its way in our lives and the casual use of the word has taken all the meaning away from us.
I thought, we would never have to share any goodbyes, that we would have a lifetime as we had. I thought that you would still be there every time, not more than 2 km away from me, waiting for me at your door as you always did, and we will play till dusk and share our smiles, our secrets and make more memories; just like any other day. The innocence of childhood still embedded deep within, made me believe that we would share everything. Every dream that a 10-year-old could have imagined, a house, a wedding, a car, getting our kids to be each other’s best friends and/or getting them married, making our significant others to be best friends, every dream that a little girl imagines, But you see :
Fate is a cruel little thing.
We were set for two very different paths, one’s that weren’t connected at all. If one had to go to north then the other had to go to west (quite literally). The web of dreams that we had spun and protected from many a whiffs, had finally fell apart with one fatal gust.
One thing that we understand through the word ‘bye ‘though, is that it provides us with some kind of closure. It helps us to move on from things, to leave our past behind and set a future for ourselves. Maybe that’s why it still hurts somewhere, because we never got to say our goodbyes.
I still remember that one phone call and a string of words that would change my entire being, “I am shifting to another state, already on my way, and let’s meet soon“. Exchanging the usual pleasantries of: take care, I’ll miss you, we will still talk, is the easy part, the hard part starts when the other line goes dead and the realization hits you, HARD. Years of friendship, the memories, the kind that can’t be exchanged or replaced had suddenly come to a halt. No more of them would be made, no more of them would be exchanged.
And in that moment when my body defied me and my emotions took over, the only thing that could stop my shivering form was to let it all out, and in that moment, I did. The only sound breaking the loud silence of an empty home was a shrill scream, a voice that could easily be recognized as if still trying to hold it in and controlling (or at least trying to hold) the emotions. The wail, I hoped was, loud enough to bring a long gone friend back.
Years have passed and we both grew up, very different from what any of us had ever imagined, with people we never knew existed but we still live on. Now the only things that makes me realize that any of this was true are not the memories but the photos and the drawings, the paintings that we made. The memories have faded and the scars are still healing but now every time we see each other, a similar fondness appears, a similar sense of security appears and a similar smile appears, all in a moment. And that moment is nothing but a reminder and an acknowledgement of the time that has passed and the reminiscence of my blossoming childhood.
Sometimes I still wonder about the if’s and but’s and still ponder on what could have been and where did it all go and, come to the conclusion that maybe it did us some good, helped us to grow from two little girls with their head in the clouds to strong, independent and wonderful people who can withstand the test of time
Who says that friendships don’t break hearts?
You broke mine as I broke yours.